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[Envelope]
Mrs. Nannie V. Watkins Care Mr. Jas. B. Daniel, Townesville, N[orth] C[arolina]
Send by Sass[afras] Fork [North Carolina] mail
[Letter]
Chaffin’s Bluff Batteries Nov[ember] 23d 1862
My dear wife: -
Yours of 18th came this morning – also one from Aunt Judy to Sam, of the same date. Your letters are always, Darling, very encouraging, and frequently make me ashamed of the desponding ones which I send in return. But sometimes I cant help it, and I cant write to you without letting you into all of my thoughts and feelings. I sometimes fear that my desponding letters, my great anx- iety to get out of the service, my frequent com- plaints, & my anxiety to get a substitute, may give you a poor opinion of my firmness, & may lessen your esteem & respect for me. It is not the hardship, nor privations, nor dangers, nor anything of this kind, which affects me; I dont think I regard these at all, I know [underscored] I have stood them as well as any one so far; but it is my love, & anxiety for, & dependence on my little family & my home for happiness, which sometimes al- most drives me mad with the idea that months
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may now pass before I will be allowed to see them. The hopes of having you near me for a few weeks, during the whole Fall, did bear up my spirits for a long time, but now as you never say anything about it except to ask oc- casionally what I think of it, and from Aunt Judy’s last to Sam, I feel & know that you have at last given up the idea of coming down entirely. Oh, Darling, I sometimes feel that I would give my right hand for one hours talk with you – to look into your eyes & have you talk to me as you used to, & to tell [underscored] you how much I love you & live for you. I frequently feel now, as if I must [underscored] sit down and write you a long letter, -not such as I would write my wife, - but such as I often wished [underscore] to write you before we were married. I frequently think of you now just as I did then, and think of some particular times & places, when I thought I had discovered beyond a doubt, that you really did
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return all [underscored] my love in all ^ its depth. I would then look into your eyes sometimes for minutes
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and see there how much you did love me, and didn’t care or couldn’t help showing it. And then I often think of you now, as you were after we were married, & I had learned to know and love you even better than before: and how I used to feel when you freely told me how you did & had loved me. And I think of you too, Precious, always [underscored] as my own precious wife, as you were when I left you, after we had lived together for years, and God had given us little Charley & Minnie to strengthen and sober our love; - and how I lived & loved, as a man lives and breathes, scarcely conscious of it, so much had it become a part & a necessary condition of my very existence. But I know now [underscored] that I know you better, that I love you better, esteem you more deeply, respect you more highly, & am more dependent on your love & good opinion than I ever was or ever did at any time before. I know if another one should read all this, they might think it some what silly or un- manly, but you wont, Darling, and this
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is why I am not ashamed or afraid to write it. The main thing that has deterred me from getting a substitute is, I believe, the thought that should I come home, & tell you what I had done, you would, though glad to see me & have me with you, think less of me for it. I dont think much or care much what others would say or think, but it is always what you [underscored] would think. All of my friends here have advised me repeatedly to get one, but, as I said before, I have determined to put it off, though by next spring it may be impossible to get one at all, or at a price too high for me to pay. But enough of this; only tell me in your next if you still think of coming down, or if you have given it out entirely. I want to know [underscored] that my mind may be per- fectly at rest about this – and don’t let any thing that I have said influence you to come, unless your own judgment approves of it. I feel that it is asking a good deal of you.
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I am glad to hear that Tom Carrington wishes still to buy some of my land. I don’t think your Pa ought to insist on too high a price, as by this I may again fail to make a sale. If I could sell him as much as three hundred acres for $15 or even for $12 p[e]r acre, if would
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about relieve me of one of my heaviest debts, and still leave me 900 acres, which will be the greatest abundance for me – just as much as I ought to have. If they can agree on quantity & price, I will designate starting points for dividing lines, which I know will please Tom. I would like to sell 300 or 350 acres. I am very anxious
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to pay off my debt to Frank [Redd?] as soon as possible. This will be all of my debts except to Ma & [Pattie?]. I have money enough in Bro[ther] Dicks hands to offset my debt to Janus [Sigon?]. If my coal-cured tobacco is a real success it ought not to be [...ed?] in a heavy [underscored] hogs head. You see now how much better it would have been if Mr. Harris
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had planted a large crop of tobacco last spring as I wished & urged at one time: ten or twelve good H[ogs]h[ea]ds would have paid F[rank] Redds debt. You needn’t say anything about this though, as I know he did as he thought best. I wish him to prepare this winter for as large a crop as he can cultivate, picking the best land, & making as much manure as possible. I wish to enlarge my young orchard gradually until it reaches to [Smiley’s?] settle- ment. Ask your Pa if I hav[e]n’t too many horses on my plantation – if he thinks I have I wish to sell old [Sam?] & the old blind. I wish to keep the colts. Be sure & have the rest of the orchard set out in trees as soon as possible. Write me if they have salt enough for my pork. Pork [underscored] here is selling at 50 c[en]ts a pound & salt at from one to one & a half dollars a pound. [“one to one...pound’ underscored] With 8 calves you might make a good deal of butter, & send it to us, - we have to give $2. a pound for all that we use. – obliged [underscored] to buy it sometimes.
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I will by the middle of next week, when the court has determined to dissolve, if nothing happens to prevent, have had about three weeks [‘three weeks’ underscored] of holiday – nothing to do but occasionally write for an hour or two. I have been to R[ich]mond several times (can go whenever I wish), to Drury’s Bluff once, & will Monday go down to Malvern Hill. Have read a great deal – novels, history, miscellany etc. I sometimes, in the midst of a most interesting novel on history, find that, though reading on regularly & turning over the leaves, my mind is so entirely with you, I have forgotten even what I am reading, & have to go back for pages to get the thread of the matter. I don’t know what I would do if it were not for books. I feel no interest in any of the company except my mess. All of us read a good deal, & frequently have right pleasant times talking over that we have read. Hope we will gradually
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get some system about it, as all reading does very little good without system. I dont entirely despair of carrying out my plans yet. There will be an election for 2d L[ieutenan]t in our comp[an]y next week, & some of the men are very anxious for me to run, but for reasons which it will be useless to mention here, & which I know you will approve, I have determined to decline. The election is caused by the promotion of our Captain to Major. Our 1st L[ieutenan]t (Bagley) takes the captaincy by promotion, & the other Lieutenants are promoted, making it necessary to elect a junior 2d (or 3d) L[ieutenan]t. I am almost sure I could get it if I were to make the necessary effort, but for good [underscored] reasons I prefer not. Al- though I have very little admiration for our old Capt[ain] Bagley ( old Razor-blade, we call him), I am sorry that there is going to be a change, as I fear we will not be bettered.
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Sunday Morning – I wrote Sat[urday] night. Will add a P[ost] S[script] this morning. Thank Lou for her letters . It is time for Millie & Sis[ter] Martha to answer mine. Tell Sis[ter] Martha, Abe & I were both telling little fibs about the itch, but Abe did have a suspicious breaking out. It is a fact though that Abe is the only one of the mess who has been publicly reprimanded on dress parade Sunday morning for not having on clean clothes. This is a fact. We laugh at & tease him a good deal about it & this is why he wrote the letter about me. I will answer Lou’s letter as soon as I can – cant write more now, or I may fail to mail my letter.
God bless my precious ones – N[athaniel] V. W[atkins]
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The boys are all well.
